When Scully met Hatori and other Hijinx
by Dragon Toes
Summary: What happens when Mulder and Scully are in Japan? They meet the fruits basket cast of course. Haru falls for Mulder, Scully for Hatori? Mulder the giddy anime otaku? Chaos ensues...COMPLETE
1. Mulder's keeping his baby

"Mulder, can you remind me what we are doing in Japan again?" Scully asked giving Mulder a look of annoyance.  
"Scully I told you, we are looking for a chupacabra!" He said for the millionth time, not taking his eyes off his driving.  
  
They had been on the road for many hours now, in search of the elusive Chupacabra. Were there any chupacabra's in Japan? Probably not. But a little thing like absurd searching had never stopped Mulder before, and if he had to find it in his spleen, he would find that chupacabra. "Mulder.. Chupacabra's are native to Mexico and South America..." Scully said, "If they were to exist of course." "They exist Scully, open your mind! And I say they're in Japan too. and I'm always right, because I'm Fox Mulder!" There was no way in this universe he would admit he went all the way to Japan, just because he was a super Otaku. Mulder having the screws loose refused to go to the store in America to get anime and pocky, it's just better when straight from Japan. "Fine.... but why did we have to buy 7 crates of pocky and thirty anime tapes?!" Scully asked him, her annoyance ringing clear.  
Mulder gave her the look a cow gives an oncoming train, and then turned on the radio. "Oh I love this song!" With this he proceeded to sing along in a high-pitched voice like a fruity idiot. "Papa don't preach I'm in trouble deep, Papa don't preach I've been losing sleep, but I've made up my mind, I'm keeping my baby oo ooo, I'm keeping my baaaaaaa-"  
What happened next is a mystery still, was it just wear and tear? Did a bug fly in the engine? Was Mulder singing like Kelly Osbourne just too much for the car? Whatever the reason, the car died right then and there. Mulder looked at the speedometer for a moment. "Oh"  
Scully continued to stare at Mulder; she was still suffering post Fruity Mulder Singing Trauma. Mulder climbed out of the car and lifted the hood. Mulder being Mulder he knew he could fix anything, because he just knows everything. With this he poked around, within two seconds stuff was leaking out and popping.  
Scully was suddenly standing next to Mulder. "When did the car stop? And why.... were you singing.... please don't ever do it again."  
He squinted his eyes, "this from the woman who not once, but TWICE sang Jeremiah was a bullfrog, and did a good job imitating a bullfrog?"  
"......"  
"Hahaha! Exactly what I thought!" Mulder exclaimed giggling like a child.  
"You are so childish..."  
"Nuh!"  
  
Scully rolled her eyes again and pulled out her handy dandy cell phone, she started to dial, when she gasped. "My... battery.... for the first time.... its.... dead.... no cell phone... Mulder let me use yours."  
He looked up at the sky like he hadn't heard her. "Use my what?" "Cell phone.... give it." She said, her nerves short, Scully without cell phone is like fish without water.  
"Oh... I traded it... for this cute widdle plushie!" He grinned and hugged a Pikachu plushie.  
Scully twitched, "we don't have a cell phone?"  
"Nope"  
Scully gave another visible twitch, "we're going to die."  
Mulder shook his head and laughed, "Nonsense! There's a house up there lets go!"  
  
With this Scully and Mulder tramped up the road to the house in the distance.  
  
They came upon a mailbox with some kanji on it. Scully looked at it for a moment, "Shigure Sohma Residence"  
"You know Japanese?" He looked at her dumbfounded.  
"Hai" She responded starting to walk to the house  
"Huh?"  
"Yes, I know Japanese" She told him in her normal emotionless tongue.  
"How come you let me babble like an idiot to that man at the market instead of playing translator?" Mulder asked her his voice near whining.  
"Because it was funny to see you try and do charades for chupacabra on that stuffed goat."  
"You are cold." He said.  
They walked up to the door and knocked. A man in a strange robe and jet black hair answered, he glanced at them, "Hello..." Scully stared at the man, "Hello, may we use your phone? Our car broke down on the road. My name is Dana Scully and this is Fox Mulder, we are with the FBI in the US."  
The man blinked, "ok, of course you may use the phone! Please come in... I am Shigure Sohma" He turned around and shouted up the stairs, "Yuki, Kyou, Haru, Momiji, we have guests come down here!" Several thumps were heard and then a high pitched wail. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA Kyou hit me" Momiji's voice floated down the stairs.  
Kyou stomped down the stairs yelling over his shoulders, "THATS WHAT YOU GET FOR SCRATCHING MY BURNED CD'S! I need to be able to sell those and I can't if they're scratched!" He then stormed into the kitchen.  
Shigure looked at Kyou, "these are FBI agents from the United States Kyou they-" Kyou's eyes grew wide, "They're here from the Metallica stuff I downloaded...... AAAAH" He ran up the stairs passing Yuki and Haru. Haru was giving Yuki obvious goo goo eyes. Momiji was following close behind them.  
"FBI agents? Have you come to take Kyou away?" Yuki asked hopefully.  
Mulder was too busy eyeing Momiji's anime shirt to answer. So Scully answered, "No.... Our car broke down." Yuki sighed, "Oh well, was worth asking, too bad huh Haru?" Yuki looked at Haru, but Haru's gaze was elsewhere. In fact it was right on Mulder. With admiring eyes. Yuki recognized those eyes, as they were usually on him. Yuki didn't know why but he felt a twinge of jealousy. "Haru?" "Hmm?" Haru asked in a dazed tone still obviously drooling over Mulder. "Never mind" Yuki said rubbing the bridge of his nose.  
Mulder noticed Haru staring at him, and at first thought "hahaha he has been dazed by my sexiness" then he noticed Haru was quite male and began to feel uncomfortable. Mulder was silently starting to wonder if his fruity singing had triggered something when Momiji's voice broke his thoughts. It broke everyone's in fact, except for Haru, who is oblivious to life itself. He just continued to stare at Mulder.  
"WOOOOOOOOOOOW! Real agent people! I bet you're like them guys, on that movie, that do that stuff with the aliens! Can I see your badge and funky weapons can I can I can I?!" Momiji said bouncing around like a ferret named Malfoy.  
Scully looked at Momiji with a look of horror and mystery. The horror was how could anything sound so annoying; the mystery was she couldn't tell if he was a boy or a girl, as he was wearing a bright pink dress. Before Scully could explain they didn't deal with aliens and before Mulder could explain they DID deal with aliens, Momiji had done a flying Momiji leap and clung to Scully. With a poof and some smoke he was suddenly a rabbit. Scully blinked at the little yellow rabbit clinging to her leg and started yelling.  
"GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! IT MIGHT BITE ME AAAH GET IT OFF!" She started yelling.  
  
*~~~~Cheesy Flashback~~~~*  
  
Little Scully: "awe you a cute wittle wabbit, yes you awe, give Scuwwy a kissy!"  
Rabbit: .....  
Little Scully: *kisses bunny's forehead*  
Rabbit: .... *CHOMP*  
Little Scully: WAAAAAH DEH WABBIT BITE MY WIP! GET IT OFF GET IT OFF!  
  
*~~~~End Flashback~~~~*  
  
Mulder not knowing Scully's bunny phobia stood there in a stupor. Scully flicked her leg and Momiji went flying through the air and was caught by Hatori, who had just wandered in the door. Hatori stared at Momiji and then at the two agents.  
"Shigure..... What happened.....?" Hatori asked in his calm voice still holding a whimpering Momiji. Shigure opened his mouth to explain when Mulder came out of stupor mode.  
"OH MY GOD! That Bo-... Gir-.... child turned into a rabbit!" Mulder said pointing out the obvious.  
Scully muttered, "thank you captain obvious."  
"He must be an alien!" Mulder screeched. Everyone looked at him like he was crazy, except for Haru, who looked at him like he was a hot hunk of sexy... something.  
Momiji suddenly turned back into him self and then ran to put his clothes on. Scully was still suffering post bunny clingy trauma, and Mulder was still pointing at Momiji whispering "aaaaaaaalllieeeeeeeeeen"  
"Mulder...." Scully said  
"Aaaaaaaaaaaalllliiiieeeeeeeen"  
"Mulder...."  
"Aaaaaaa-"  
"MULDER!" Scully said loudly.  
"What?" He said still pointing stupidly at Momiji  
"Stop"  
"Ok"  
  
"So can we use your phone?" Scully asked Shigure as though nothing had happened.  
"SCULLY WE CAN'T LEAVE!" Mulder whined, "That boy just turned into a bunny!"  
"All the more reason to" she replied and looked at the Sohma's who were all staring at Mulder and Scully as though they were the ones who has turned into animals and back, except Haru, who was still oogling, and Yuki who was staring at Haru with a pouty jealous look. Ever since Tohru went crazy and ran off with that paper boy who was as she put it "more reliable and huggable" Yuki had felt different towards Haru. Who could blame him? That more huggable comment was a slap in the face indeed. He should've known that ditzy sweet act was a fake! No one can be that cheery and nice!  
"Scully, I'm not leaving till I study them...." Mulder was only half thinking of this, the other half had noticed an extensive anime library sitting on the floor in a box labeled "property of Momiji"  
"Fine then... I think I'll stay then" Scully was looking at Hatori very strangely indeed; it was a look no one had ever seen before. It looked though she had needed to go to the bathroom badly, and had finally gone.  
Shigure watched Mulder and Scully, "You are welcome to stay.... as long as you don't break my house. Kyou what are you doing?" Shigure glanced to Kyou, who was attempting to sneak out the door with a humongous stack of burned cd's, games and software.  
As all heads (but Haru's) turned to Kyou his eyes grew wide, "NOTHING! These are some discs I uh am going to destroy! They aren't evidence or anything they just they they, NONE OF YOUR BUSSINESS!" Kyou ran outside giving a fearful glance to the agents.  
Mulder turned to Momiji, "hey there little Momiji bunny person thing..... Do you happen to like anime?"  
Momiji smiled and said in his squeaky voice, "Hai!" He grabbed Mulder's hand and dragged him into the living room where they popped in a vhs tape. Haru followed and plopped in a chair, and continued to gaze at Mulder. Mulder felt creeped out again but was quickly redirected when the tape started. Hatori sat down at the table and Scully sat across from him, still making that funny face. Shigure went off upstairs to work on his novel, so he could tease his novelist later. Yuki gave Haru a mournful look and went up the stairs.  
  
A whopping two hours had passed since our agents had been at the Sohma's. Momiji and Mulder were still watching anime, clutching plushies, and chanting different things depending on the series, it was currently "go speed racer gooo!" Haru was still staring at Mulder. Yuki was upstairs, doing who knows what. Kyou had run back inside, his armful of cd's mysteriously gone. Hatori and Scully were still sitting at the table, Scully with a face of pure awe, and Hatori a face of pure... Hatori-ness. "So... Hatori.... you say you're a doctor?" "Yes" Answered Hatori emotionlessly. "Me toooo! I have a PhD!" Scully said, in all too cheery voice, which sounded creepy from her. "You're a doctor, I hope you have a PhD." Hatori answered. "Yes well.... you have yours then?" she asked propping her head on her hands and leaning against the table. "Yes" he answered again, still monotone. "Do you have any other degrees or awards or anything?" Scully asked, feeling she had found a soul mate. Unemotional, scientific, smart, handsome.... "I have a degree in psychology as well..." he said. Scully felt her heart burst, she was head over heels, and hooked in, she just had to make sure of one thing..... "You don't believe in aliens right Hatori?" She asked him, her eyes pleading. "No, that's ridiculous." "You are perfect!" Scully slipped out, "you are an amazing fellow, and we must get to know each other more..." Hatori's eyes widened and he felt a lump form in his stomach. He had felt she was interesting, but he had his test as well, he thought like him she was just putting up a hard exterior, but like him, was a gooey marshmellow inside. Still staring at her with no emotion he asked, "What do you think snow becomes when it melts?" Scully looked at him blankly, "It becomes water of course...." Hatori stood up, "goodbye Miss Scully, I must be going." Scully blinked, "what? No don't leave" She was too late though, Hatori had already entered his car and left for the main house.  
  
While all this was happening Yuki came downstairs. He was dressed in black dress pants, a black coat, a black tie and a white shirt; he also wore a pair of sunglasses. He came down and plopped next to Haru, and in the most seductive voice he could muster he whispered "hey Haru...."  
Haru didn't even look at him, he was too busy watching Mulder hop up and down with Momiji chanting "Pikachu Pikachu!" Yuki sighed, but wasn't about to give up, he gently laid his hand upon Haru's face and guided it so it was facing him. Haru blinked, "oh hi Yuki...." his eyes then went back to Mulder doing some strange dance and rapping along to the poke`rap.  
Yuki stared at him feeling a bit frustrated and then wrapped his arm around Haru, "hey look, I'm dressed like a FBI agent, lets play FBI guy and alien, the alien can probe-"  
Haru sighed wistfully while staring at Mulder. Yuki could've slapped him, but gritted his teeth and tried again. He pulled himself onto his lap and stuck his head in Haru's line of vision. "Hey you, what's a rat gotta do for some attention around here?"  
Haru blinked suddenly realizing his Mulder vision was gone. His brain stopped being stuck under Mulder's spell and stared at Yuki.  
"Yuki? You... you... you're on my lap..... and you... are dressed like a FBI guy..." Haru stuttered out bewildered.  
Yuki looked at Haru happily, "yup! Wanna go play alien and FBI guy?"  
Haru grinned at him, "sure...." with this he stood up and carried a very happy looking Yuki up the stairs.  
  
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Well, that was terrible! Don't worry there is more to come! I will update soon, feedback is highly appreciated and will motivate me! Thanks a bunches! ^_^ 


	2. Who's the big tough cowboy?

Disclaimer that I forgot in the first chapter: I do not own Fruits Basket, or X-files, or Speed Racer, Pokemon or the other animes/shows/songs mentioned in this fan fic. As Jhonen Vasquez said, "Don't sue me, I'm funny" Though, I DEEPLY REGRET to admit I do own the alien probing comment..  
  
As Yuki and Haru went up the stairs, Shigure came down. Of course he was giggling like a school girl from seeing Yuki and Haru going up the stairs like that. He sat down at the table where an even surlier than normal looking Scully sat.  
"Why so glum?" Shigure asked.  
"Can I use your phone yet?" Scully mumbled.  
"Well, I would except your partner severed the phone line so you couldn't call." Shigure pointed to the cut phone line with an annoyed look and went on a rant about people breaking his house.  
Scully on the other hand was fitting a look to kill. She stomped into the TV room where Mulder was watching Hellsing, and Momiji was cowering behind him. "It's a government cover up! Integra is eeeeevvvvviiiil, those newscasters so have a right to uncover the truth!" Mulder was muttering to himself.  
"Mulder, you cut the phone cord?! Now we have to find somewhere else to call!" Scully said glaring at him.  
Momiji stared at Scully with big watery eyes. He then hollered, "is it true you're going to run tests on me?. But I'm not very good at school work!"  
Scully made a face at the little boy, but didn't want to provoke him. He might become a fearsome rabbit at anytime.. Instead she walked to Mulder and poked him in the side of the head. "Is there a reason we're here?"  
"Yes, I'm doing research on the alien's living habits." Mulder said still staring at the TV blankly.  
Scully saw she wasn't going to get much out of Mulder till he was darn good and ready to do something. With this she went back to the kitchen and asked Shigure if he had a room she could take a nap in. Between giddy Otaku Mulder and bunny-boy, she was exhausted. He told her to go take the guest room (aka Tohru's old room) Scully walked in and noticed the bright pink bed. She shuddered at the cheery atmosphere, and then laid down on the bed and snoozed.  
While Scully had been poking Mulder's head like a marshmallow, Ayame had come to Shigure's house! He was bored and decided there was nothing better to do than bug his little brother. When he found out from Shigure Yuki was, uh, busy, they decided to play. the in my pants game! (Not in my pants, just in my pants. Just add the phrase "in my pants" after every thing you say!)  
"Oh Aya, I love it when you visit in my pants." Shigure said, batting his eyes as sparkly things floated in the background.  
"Thank you Gure-san.. There's no place I'd rather be in my pants." Ayame said, sparklies flying behind him as well.  
Shigure grinned widely, "I've been so restless lately without you in my pants."  
Ayame was trying hard not to break out laughing, "Yes I know. It's just I haven't had time to visit. So many customers need the services in my pants."  
Shigure, "heehee, yes well, I understand as well. My editor has been going nuts in my pants. She keeps begging for the novel in my pants.."  
"I think your editor is way too uptight. She needs to have some fun in my pants." Ayame said starting to giggle uncontrollably.  
Shigure also started to laugh like a madman, "She told me she needs to have some fun in my pants."  
The laughing from downstairs had grown progressively louder, and woke Scully up. She went down the stairs, still scowling. She got to the bottom and glared at Shigure and Aya with a look that would've stopped a charging rhino. She cleared her throat to get their attention.  
"Oh hello there in my pants." Shigure said still giggling.  
Ayame's face light up as his eyes fell on Scully, "Well who's this beauty, would you like to play in my pants?"  
Scully's eyes widened at Ayame, obviously not understanding this game. She walked over to him stiffly.  
*WHUNK* Scully punched Ayame. Lucky for Ayame she must have sensed the over whelming sissyness, for she didn't hit him very hard. It could've qualified at a tap really. Of course this didn't stop Ayame from screeching like a 4 year old girl; or a Momiji.  
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE SHE HIT MY FACE! My beautiful face!" he held onto his face where Scully had whacked him.  
"Oh for god's sakes I barely-" Scully started staring at him when she was cut off.  
"IT'S HOOOORRIBLE!"  
"I'm going back to bed" Scully said heading back up, wondering if they hadn't really run into a mental ward.  
"Actually. that could've been worse. she could've hit my hair.." Ayame said cuddling his hair protectively.  
  
Kyou darted down the stairs looking around. "Are those agents gone yet? I need to unbury those cd's.." Kyou looked into the living room where Mulder was watching anime like a giddy little kid. "AAAAIEEEEEEEEE" Kyou screeched and ran back up the stairs.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
While all this mess of goo between the characters was happening, Yuki and Haru were *ahem* busy upstairs (and because we know you are just a nosey little monster, and because I love Yuki and Haru, we're going to peek in ^_~)  
  
"I made it through the wilderness, somehow I made it through-ooo-hoo, didn't know how lost I was till I found you-oo" Haru sang pointing at Yuki on the 'you-oo'. Haru was sitting in a chair in nothing but boxers that had little mice wearing sunglasses. Yuki was lying on his bed giggling while watching Haru, still in his FBI suit though now the shirt was open. Haru started to dance rather erotically with his chair still singing in a high- pitched voice. "Like a virgin, touched for the very first time, like a viiirgin when your heart beats, next to mine." Haru grinned at Yuki. "You're crazy" Yuki said grinning at him. "Only for you," he replied as he got off the chair and flopped onto the bed next to him.  
(All together now AAAAAAWE)  
  
Yuki half smirked half smiled and jumped onto Haru, "who's your big tough cowboy?" Haru laughed, "Uuh, Yuki?" "Damn right"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Oh lordy that made the rating go up!  
  
Yuki: Help us. please. Haru: I don't know this isn't so bad. and this collar is neat.  
  
*holds onto their leashes* SHUSH! I'm not done with you yet -_-  
  
Mulder: Goooo speed racer..  
  
Scully: cell phone.. Anyone?... please?  
  
Thanks for reading, pleeeeeeease review. I'll try and get another chapter up soon! ^_^ and please, don't throw things at me for writing this. 


	3. BIKER BABES?

Disclaimer: I do not own fruits basket or its characters (sadly… though it might be bad if I did) I also do not own x-files, or the other ones. I also (thank god) do not own the Michael Jackson song, or Michael Jackson. I also do not own Willard…. I don't own much really.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            "I don't think we have to erase their memories…. After all, they only have seen Momiji, and that idiot thinks he's an alien, the other one seems to care less." Shigure said to Ayame who was sitting across from him. "I mean… we can just ship them on their way, as long as no one else transforms…" Shigure was interrupted suddenly.

"Haru did you just say what I think you said!?" Yuki's voice came from upstairs. From the pitch and the fact that it could be heard down the stairs gave Shigure and Ayame a pretty good guess Yuki was pretty angry about something. A few moments later the WHUMP of a door being slammed open and stomping footsteps were heard.

            "Come on Yuki, it was an accident, I was not pretending you were someone else I swear! I only want you." Haru's pleading voice came from upstairs. 

            "YEAH RIGHT, that's why you said "oh FBI man MULDER you are amazing" YOU THICK HEADED COW!" Yuki's voice was rabid and high-pitched here and there. 

            Haru groaned audibly, "Yuuuukiiii come on I told you I was not pretending you were Mulder…. That's sick he's uuuh… way to old for me?"

            Yuki came down the stairs pulling on a shirt, "YEAH SURE WHATEVER, LEAVE ME ALONE." He walked past the living giving Mulder the death look, and then walked outside.

            Haru smacked his head on the wall, "I'm such a baka…."

            Shigure and Ayame who were still sitting at the table talking like two gossipy old ladies had stopped to listen to the whole thing. They stared at Haru for a moment, and then busted into giggles.

            "You said Mulder's name when you were-" Shigure said starting to laugh even harder.

            "You're really dumb! You really do fit the cow" Ayame added salt to Haru's wound.

            Haru simply glared at them both, his temper rising. He had only let Mulder creep into his mind for one second, and that just had to be when… (We would like to keep the rating at pg 13 so we will not say WHY.) Haru felt his black mode coming on very quickly. Shigure and Ayame, being the stupid boys they are kept on laughing.

            "SHUUUT UP THE COW IS NOT STUPID IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!" Before Shigure and Ayame knew it, they were lying on the floor, and the table was busted in tiny pieces.

            A very grumpy looking Scully came downstairs at this point, "you people do not understand the concept of- …. What happened?"

            Ayame looked up with swirly eyes, "black Haru"

            Shigure started to moan about the indecency of home wreckers, his eyes swirly as well.

            Scully looked at Ayame dumbfounded, "uuuh… Black Haru?"

            "Yes… he spazzes out and loses control and it usually isn't good." Ayame said standing up and poking Shigure with his foot.

            "They make medicine for that you know…" Scully said staring at the mess.

            "Pshaw, you like think you pop a little pill and EVERYTHINGS better. You are like a hippie! One little bit of magic and the world is sooo peachy keen!" Ayame said rolling his eyes and shaking his hand up and down.

            Haru smirked at Ayame, "you are such a fruit loop…. And you talk like a sissy" With this Haru walked to the TV room, humming like a virgin.

            Ayame stared at Scully, "so..."

            Scully glared at him suddenly remembering the in my pants game, "yeah…"

            Kyou came down the stairs and saw Scully and froze, "I uh… am just going outside…. Not going to get illegal cd's or anything"

            Scully looked at him blankly, "you know, we don't really have the power to arrest you, not without a warrant and such… and the government isn't going to bother with interfering in Japan about cd copyright…."

            Shigure looked up at her, "shhhh don't tell him that it was nice to have him in hiding."

            "You mean…. You can't arrest me?..." Kyou looked at Scully dumbfounded.

            "Not really…"

            Kyou pumped his fists in the air and did a weird little kitty jig "yes!" He wandered outside.

            Suddenly a loud, "AAAAAAAAIIIEEEEE GO AWAY" came out of the TV room. Scully recognized this high pitched cry to be Mulder's. She ran into it at once, expecting the evil rabbit to be munching off his leg. Instead she saw a mortified Mulder, standing in the corner clutching his rear and staring at Haru. Haru was grinning all evil Black Haru-like and said, "Dang, you're nice and tight, guess you haven't had any alien encounters?"

(Oh god probe joke #2 baaad author bad bad bad)

            "HE PINCHED ME!" Mulder squeaked still looking at Haru. An explosion of giggles came from the kitchen, meaning the current Mabudachi members were listening like hawks. 

            "How could I resist the guy in the uniform?" Haru said coolly.

            Mulder blinked, "well… I know I'm super sexy and everything but…NO DON'T PLAY MINDGAMES WITH ME!"

            Haru started to laugh when SPLOOSH, Momiji came out of no where and dumped an oversized glass of water on Haru's head.

            Haru's devilish grin faded and he looked at Mulder. "What's wrong with you?..."

            Mulder stared at him and made a slight whiny sound.

            "Oh well… I've got to go find Yuki…." Haru wandered outside leaving Scully to comfort post rear pinchy trauma Mulder.

            When Haru went outside to find Yuki and apologize for the accident, he found him sitting on a rock… surrounded by dozens of rats. Yuki was glaring at them all, and hissing "leave before I put out rat poison." 

            Haru raised an eyebrow and looked at all the rats. It was times like these, he was grateful cows were kept in pens. Since emotions seemed to trigger when the animals came to them, it was no surprise Yuki was surrounded by mice, he was furious and a bit heart broken. Yuki spotted Haru and glared and started to get up, but was interrupted.

            Without warning a song started to flow through the air. Haru and Yuki looked around confused. "What the-"

            "Ben, the two of us need look no more, we both found what we were looking for, with a friend to call my own, I'll never be-"

            Yuki turned around, fire practically blazing in his eyes realizing exactly what this song was. Kyou was holding a boom box and standing in the bushes laughing.

            "Why don't you call your rats upon me Willard?" Kyou said grinning.

            Haru decided this was his chance to defend Yuki and show his love, "OH YEAH KYOU?! Try this on for size! I like chicken, I like liver meow mix meow mix please deliver!"

            Yuki stared at Haru, "that was…" Just before he could decide whether to say childish, pathetic or stupid a familiar obnoxious voice rang out, along with the heavy revving of engines.

            "YUKI!"

            Yuki, Kyou and Haru all turned and watched three motorcycles rev down the road. What they saw caused their hearts to thud in terror. Tohru, Rin, and Uo….. In leather biker girl outfits….

            They parked their bikes and walked over to the fear stricken boys. Rin winked at Haru, "hey baby, miss me?" 

            Haru looked at her calmly, "no, not really" (author's note, I have not read the mangas so I'm making this stuff up, Haru and Rin are bitterly separated now, cause poor Haru's heart was turned into Haru smoothies by Rin)

            Yuki and Kyou on the other hand were staring at Tohru wide eyed. She was wearing TIGHT black leather pants. And was wearing a black leather shirt thing. Though neither Kyou nor Yuki were sure it qualified as a shirt, maybe more like a scrap of cloth.

            "Tohru… you… what... happened" Kyou muttered out in shock. Rin was still fondling a disgruntled looking Haru. Tohru stepped away from Kyou towards Yuki. "Hey… how're you sexy thang?" she said running a finger down his jaw line.

            "I-I-I-I-I-I" Yuki stuttered out eyes as big as dinner plates.

            "Hey carrot top! Michael Jackson is you choice of music? What does it make you feel pretty when you think of what his face looks like?" Uo said, referring to Ben which was still cranking on his boom box.

            "NO stupid Yankee! I was mocking Yuki because… because… NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!" He shouted and threw the boom box behind him into the bushes.

            Rin was seemingly trying to get Haru to pick her up as she kept hopping up against him. 

            "What in gods name are you doing?" He asked icily and shot a death look to Tohru. He never did like her, always putting moves on Yuki, stealing his precious away from him. Yes his precious… he was his now, his own… he… 

            "Yo, cow-boy, did you hear me?" Rin asked snapping her fingers in front of his nose.

            "No..."

            Rin sighed as though it was just so much effort to repeat herself, "I saaaid, you wanna go with me and Tohru and have fun? I mean, Yuki would be with Tohru of course and I'd be all yours, or whatever, mixing is always fun." She grinned a little too happily and WAY too innocently for what she just said.

            "Uh no…. I'll be going now… very, very far away." With this Haru ran like a madman to the house, yelling as soon as he got inside "ITS HORRRRRRIIBLE"

            Yuki and Kyou were still staring at Tohru.

"You boys still wanna come with me and Uo? We could have some fun…" she said giggling like her normal old self.

            Kyou muttered very quietly so Uo couldn't hear, "we turn into animals… I'd love to see how THAT would work."

            Tohru grinned creepily, "I don't mind animals"

Yuki and Kyou both put on their "O.O" faces, and backed up several feet. 

"WHERE'S TOHRU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH HER BIKER TRASH?!" Kyou screamed pointing at her like a ninny.

            Tohru jumped a bit surprised of Kyou screaming like a girl and started to trip on her own feet. She stumbled and ran into her motorcycle, knocking it to the ground.

"Aaaaah oh no I'm so clumsy, I'm so sorry Rin-san, did I scratch it? I'm so clumsy I shouldn't be allowed near people with as nice as bikes as you! I'm sorry, I should be whipped and beaten, NO even that's too good."

            Rin sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose, "No Tohru, it's fine… anyway, lets go these boys don't know how to have a good time."

            Tohru smiled her sweet smile and looked at Rin, "Hai! We can have fun on our own right?"

            Rin grinned evilly and wrapped her arm around Tohru, "that's right…. Let's go"

With this Rin, Tohru and Uo jumped on their bikes and took off to who know where to do I don't want to know what.

"….." Yuki stared at them go away,

"…. That… was the scariest thing I've seen in my life." Kyou said, twitching slightly.

Yuki simply nodded, suffering post Tohru-has-lost-her-mind-and-become-biker-babe trauma. They walked back to the house in silence. Kyou stood in the middle of the kitchen, Yuki and Haru also stood near Kyou, Yuki was clinging to Haru, obviously a bit spooked (who can blame him. I wrote this and the image of Tohru I got scared ME).

            Meanwhile, Scully had managed to calm Mulder down

            "He… pinched… violation..."

            Scully sighed and rolled her eyes, "oh knock it off so he pinched your bum, get over it."

            "He… he… SCULLY… do I… look… I mean… maybe the singing in the car triggered something, and I'm now doomed to be known as fruity boy Mulder… I'm going to cry" He stammered out.

            Scully rubbed the bridge of her nose in frustration, "no Mulder you are… uh… just as… dead sexy as before I guess…."

            "Really?"

            "Sure…"

            During this time for no reason in particular, Momiji was running around like a chicken with his head cut off. He ran not so accidentally into Scully and clung to her leg.

            Scully stared at the cute ball of yellow fluff attached to her leg and screamed. "GET IT OFF!" Scully now ran into the kitchen like a chicken with its head cut off and ran SMACK INTO HARU YUKI AND KYOU, WHOOOA NO!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Uh oh, now that Scully has run into the boys SURELY transforming them, what will happen?! Will their memories need to be erased?! Tune in next time to-… ok that's enough….

Please Review. It motivates my sick little head to do more disturbing funny things. Even if it's to flame the bajeezus outta me, it makes me giggle and want to write more! -.o


	4. He ate WHAT?

Disclaimer: I do not own Fruits basket or X-files, I just warp them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Scully ran down into the room, screaming with a yellow ball of fluff attached to her leg. She ran smack into Kyou, Yuki, and Haru in a domino effect, knocking them all onto a pile on the floor. When the poofy colored transformy smoke stuff cleared, Scully lay on top of a cow, a cat, and a very squished looking mouse.  
"Whoa. she weighs a lot. someone needs to lay off the pocky" (authors note: GOOOOO POCKY!!!) Haru said, grunting a little.  
"EXCUSE ME?" Scully screeched, offended that a cow of all things told her she was heavy. Momiji was being completely ignored, and decided to run off before he was kicked into the air again.  
At this time Ayame and Shigure came down the stairs from doing who knows what. (With Ayame and Shigure, do we really want to know? O.O)  
Ayame saw Scully and the animals and panicked, and as Scully was standing up, he whacked her on the backside of the head with a Xena warrior cry, "AAAAA YI YI YI YI YIIII!"  
Scully blinked and stood there, not dazed as Ayame had intended. "What the f-"  
WHAM  
Haru had stood up and cow kicked her, knocking her out fully. "There are children present!" he declared.  
With a sudden poof there were three very naked boys in the kitchen. Yuki and Kyou had still been lying by each other, and were now sprawled on one another.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH" the cat and mouse yelled.  
"Are. you on my Yuki?" Haru asked, staring at Kyou. He started to glare, and get a scary look on his face.  
"WHAT?! NO! THAT'S DISGUSTING!" Kyou yelped, and jumped away from Yuki.  
"Did you just call Yuki disgusting?!" Haru yelled grabbing at where Kyou's shirt would normally be.  
"Uh boys." Shigure said, giggling, "You are awful bare.. Why don't you fix that?" Ayame was standing behind him, giggling and poking Scully with his foot. Yuki, being the only one with half a brain at times like these, had already managed to pull his clothes on and was smirking at Kyou.  
"Yes Kyou. after all, you naked has uh. tiny problems" Yuki said, a look of pure victorious evil on his face.  
Kyou's face looked confused, "What are you talking about you kuso nezumi?"  
"Oh nothing, nothing.." He turned to Haru and grinned even worse, "you on the other hand, when you are naked, that has huge problems."  
Haru still being in black mode wrapped his arm around Yuki and nuzzled him. "Really? Well I must say the same back to you Yuki"  
Shigure and Ayame just stared, for once, they both had nothing to say, they were disturbed, very disturbed. "And you call me a pervert?" Shigure asked.  
"I DON'T GET THIS PROBLEM!" Kyou shouted having a hissy fit. He had pulled his clothes on as well.  
Yuki and Haru snickered, "baka neko"  
"WHAT?! I DON'T GET IT! HAUR PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON YOU'RE DISTUBRING ME!"  
At this moment Mulder walked in to find out what the commotion was. Upon seeing a naked Haru he had to exclaim, "OH HOLY S-" WHAM  
Shigure whacked him on the head with a pan, knocking him out.  
"My problems were too much for him" Haru said smirking.  
"Put clothes on Haru"  
"Fine."  
  
Now that everyone was fully clothed, it was time to decide what to do with Mulder and Scully. It was decided they'd be taken to Akito, who would decide what to do. Kyou decided there was no way he was going to the Sohma house, so he went to burn cd's till they came and got him (BOO to the evil music executives, BOO)  
Haru and Yuki decided Akito was not someone they wanted to deal with and went upstairs to do Yuki and Haru things.  
"IT'S JUST US! AND HARI, BECAUSE HARI IS ALWAYS WITH AKITO! Oh.. I wonder maybe he likes... Naaaaaaah" Ayame said giggling and hopping around Shigure like a giddy little girl.  
Shigure loaded the unconscious agents into his car (he has a car now!) and with drove to the Sohma house.  
  
~~~~~the drive~~~~~  
  
"SKUUNK!" *WHUMP* "TEN POINTS!"  
  
"CHIPMUNK!" *WHUMP* "TEN POINTS!"  
  
"SQUIRREL!"  
  
"YOU MISSED!"  
  
"TRASHCAN!" *BANG* "THIRTY POINTS!"  
  
"OLD LADY!" *EEEEEEEE* "100 POINTS!"  
  
"MOOOOOOOOOOOOONGOOOOOOOOOOOSE" *SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEE* (squee?! What DOES a mongoose say?) "200 POINTS!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Ayame and Shigure stepped out of the car; their front bumper looking like it had driven through a strawberry field. They unloaded the agents and dragged them inside to meet Akito. "Whuh?" Mulder said, coming to. "You are at the Sohma house, we must ask Akito to decide what to do with you." Hatori said, he had wandered outside seeing them drive up. "Oh. okeedokee then!" Mulder said giving a thumbs up and passing back out. They dragged the two into Akito's room, what they saw, would haunt them forever. "OOOH YAAY COMPANY! HEEHEE!" Akito leapt over, he was wearing a pink belly shirt and tight black leather pants. "I so love company, I love to make them screeaaam for mercy" He giggled and said this like it was the cheeriest thing in the world. It would scare you, his cheeriness! He hopped around like a sissy humming and then looked to the door, "did my precious Yukkums come with? Did he did he did he? I adore PLAYING WITH HIM BWAHAHAHA!" Hatori gasped quickly and ran out of the room. "Hmmm.. What's with him? Well whatever, why have you all come to see me on this super happy day?!" Akito asked still bounding around like a nut. "Uh...we. we..." Shigure started to stutter out, he was in shock. "Oh spit it out or I'll cut your tongue out and use it for something better!" Akito smiled. "These FBI agents saw some of us transform. We need to know what to do." Shigure said. "Ooh. can I kill them? Or will they be missed? Heehee I reeeaally wish to kill someone, I could bury them in the backyard!" Akito said.  
  
Hatori rushed back into the room with his medical bag, gasping for air, he looked to Shigure. "Akito ate.. three bottles.. of Prozac.." Shigure nodded, and then looked to Ayame and asked if he had heard that. To his horror, Ayame was standing with Akito, holding his hands and they were both hopping and dancing singing "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA!" Hatori and Shigure sweatdropped. "Hatori! Erase those agents memory!" Akito said, in an all too cheery, almost Tohru-like voice. ".." Said Hatori, "that is. terrifying."  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
Hatori removed his hand from their foreheads, the deed was done. Their memories of the Sohmas gone. "Thank god" Hatori thought to himself, "the madness shall end!" He glanced back to Ayame, Shigure, and Akito who were playing say-say-oh-playmate. He shut his eyes, "maybe not"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Mulder and Scully sat on the plane, heading back to the US. "Well shnookems, that trip to Japan was strange wasn't it? The memory loss and all." Scully said, grinning happily at Mulder. "Yes dear.. It was strange how those two men knew so much about us. yet I can't remember them. Ayame and Shigure they said their names were?" Mulder asked Scully. "Mhmm! Sweet of them to remind us how we were married, and lived on a potato farm in Ohio. And that you have a strange stapler fetish. I wonder how they knew that."Scully said, looking completely dazed. "Yes well... it doesn't matter. I found it more odd that black-and-white haired boy knew you were allergic to cheese burgers. very strange character." He replied. "Yes. extremely odd. but it doesn't matter. I can't wait to be home with my darling husband. I love you Wookie!" she said staring wistfully at Mulder. "I love you too Behemoth" Mulder said, and they took their long journey home, where they would confuse the bajeezus out of skinner, and the rest of the FBI. That and some poor potato farmer in Ohio. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Finally. the end  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~``  
  
Thank you to all the readers of my first fic! Final reviews are appreciated, they are worth gold to me ^__^! I'm really sorry about the terrible ending, and the insanely long time it took me to get this up. My little muse decided it'd be funny to go all angsty while writing a funny fic. That and its hard to write an ending to a fic that really, had no plot to begin with. Good news though! While my muse went angsty, onward came another story idea! This is the summary: "A murder occurs, but who's dead, and who did it? Yuki and Haru are happy together, but Akito is not pleased with it, and he hates Haru more each day. What will happen when Akito has a girl live with Yuki? Will she steal his heart, and what lengths will Haru go to keep Yuki's love?" 


End file.
